Home Alone... Again

Here we go again. He's off at some game having a good time while I'm stuck here being the default babysitter. Really tonight I could care less because I don't feel like being bothered with him. It's just the principle of the thing. I don't know when we went out together last. You know, a date night? Humph, if I can't remember that says a lot. Bad thing is I'm more invested in the idea or us going out than us actually going out. I don't really want to spend any more time with him because it would only happen if I gripe and nag. At that point it would only be happening because I acted out. That's no good. Not for me at least. If I've got to tell you something that you should already have enough common sense to know for yourself then why bother. It's also one more reason why I say that I am not a priority to him. I'm at the bottom of the totem pole; I may have completely fallen off the chart. Oh well...

Outside Help

Sometimes i truly believe that there is am outside force that is telling me to get out. It's telling me to leave him, but I'm not certain and don't trust that intuition. I can tell when it's active. I start feeling anxiety and my heart rate increases almost instantly. I can remember back in the beginning being told by my Dr. that what I was experiencing was anxiety attacks. For many years they stopped until about 3 years ago when they came back with a vengence. Why? I now believe it's because I started having those same old suspicions again. Someone was trying to tell me something. I started listening but not acting. I was too tired and of poor health to do much more than survive. I did survive and my strength is increasing daily but I'm still not strong enough mentally to pack it in and end this fiasco. In my heart and soul I know it's done. I feel almost nothing other than common human compassion and concern. Even that is more than he deserves.

I anticipated that he would be out tonight when I couldn't sleep around 5:30 am. I spent my morning doing the little things I could do to bring a bit of happiness in my life. I fantasized about taking myself out tonigt if by chance he actually decided to come home. Yes, it was only a fantasy. He called around 6:30pm to report on where he was going. I called back shortly after to find out the specific reason for his going to that place. As usual, the response was vague and cryptic. I knew I would get a load of bull before I even made the call and posed the question.

I've been told I'm wasting my life. I agree

I've been told I'm no longer myself. That anyone can look at me and see that I am unhappy. Yes, I am lost and unhappy. I am worn out. Tired. I need an enormous amount of time alone to clear my mind of all the background noise so I can focus on me. I just don't see a way to that time. What I would really like is someone to take care of me.

The Fool

Am I the fool or is he? We decided to do a few errands together this afternoon. This decision was made around 1:30 pm today. Why am I still sitting here waiting to go?

NOTE TO HIM: There's just no way you can leave at 9:30 am and spend all day on finding affordable tires and getting a front end alignment. Then claim you are on the way after not responding to my phone call or text over two hours ago until you decide to call and tell me you had to go back somewhere. I didn't even get the full meaning of what you were saying. None of it made sense. I know when I'm being lied to. I can feel it and you've lied to me so much I automatically start tuning you out as soon as I get that nagging feeling. I've got that sick feeling AGAIN!!!

Did I Ever Tell You?

Startled from a semi-deep sleep at 4:35am by door open alarm and heavy footsteps. Another late night early morning insult from him. Will I take it again? I sit on the edge of the bed trying to destress and think of the best way out. Do I just get an attitude for the day and then suck it up like I always do? I've done it countless times. I give a mental snort and wonder why I would even bother to waste the energy. It never made a difference before. Why would it be different this time? Have I finally reached the ever-elusive "enough is enough"? I think so but I have 3 other lives to consider 2 of which are all about Daddy.

I'm essentially trapped with no options. He can go though. I think I'm done now. It's a shame to have wasted all those years, but it would be criminal to waste more. Right?

I fear not having enough money, but we already don't have enough so not much difference there. I fear that my best days are gone but maybe just maybe my perception is clouded by the misery I trudge through every day. I fear being alone, but guess what? I'm already alone. Maybe I'll stop pacifying myself with ice cream and big reeses cups. I'm the fattest I've ever been without being preggers. Maybe once the source of my stress is gone I'll lose the belly fat. Maybe I'll get my happy back and my face won't be sad even when I'm smiling.

I'm not confused. What needs to be done is as clear as the chicken pox scar on my forehead. Now to muster the courage and the resolve to actually say it out loud and mean it.

My heart was officially broken 8/22/2009. I've been hemorraging love for him ever since that day. He dug around in the wound again 6/12/2010. I should have given up then but I still tried to hold the break together. Now that I believe all the love has spilled right down to the very last drop, I just see no reason to keep trying to secure the break. Besides, I was actually the only one really trying to heal it.

I think I've played out every scenerio in my mind. It's time to take action.

Did I ever tell you my husband cheats?
Toni Carter Writes