Did I Ever Tell You?
Startled from a semi-deep sleep at 4:35am by door open alarm and heavy footsteps. Another late night early morning insult from him. Will I take it again? I sit on the edge of the bed trying to destress and think of the best way out. Do I just get an attitude for the day and then suck it up like I always do? I've done it countless times. I give a mental snort and wonder why I would even bother to waste the energy. It never made a difference before. Why would it be different this time? Have I finally reached the ever-elusive "enough is enough"? I think so but I have 3 other lives to consider 2 of which are all about Daddy. I'm essentially trapped with no options. He can go though. I think I'm done now. It's a shame to have wasted all those years, but it would be criminal to waste more. Right? I fear not having enough money, but we already don't have enough so not much difference there. I fear that my best days are gone but maybe just maybe my perception is clouded by the misery I trudge through every day. I fear being alone, but guess what? I'm already alone. Maybe I'll stop pacifying myself with ice cream and big reeses cups. I'm the fattest I've ever been without being preggers. Maybe once the source of my stress is gone I'll lose the belly fat. Maybe I'll get my happy back and my face won't be sad even when I'm smiling. I'm not confused. What needs to be done is as clear as the chicken pox scar on my forehead. Now to muster the courage and the resolve to actually say it out loud and mean it. My heart was officially broken 8/22/2009. I've been hemorraging love for him ever since that day. He dug around in the wound again 6/12/2010. I should have given up then but I still tried to hold the break together. Now that I believe all the love has spilled right down to the very last drop, I just see no reason to keep trying to secure the break. Besides, I was actually the only one really trying to heal it. I think I've played out every scenerio in my mind. It's time to take action. Did I ever tell you my husband cheats?
Toni Carter Writes
Toni Carter Writes