Outside Help
Sometimes i truly believe that there is am outside force that is telling me to get out. It's telling me to leave him, but I'm not certain and don't trust that intuition. I can tell when it's active. I start feeling anxiety and my heart rate increases almost instantly. I can remember back in the beginning being told by my Dr. that what I was experiencing was anxiety attacks. For many years they stopped until about 3 years ago when they came back with a vengence. Why? I now believe it's because I started having those same old suspicions again. Someone was trying to tell me something. I started listening but not acting. I was too tired and of poor health to do much more than survive. I did survive and my strength is increasing daily but I'm still not strong enough mentally to pack it in and end this fiasco. In my heart and soul I know it's done. I feel almost nothing other than common human compassion and concern. Even that is more than he deserves. I anticipated that he would be out tonight when I couldn't sleep around 5:30 am. I spent my morning doing the little things I could do to bring a bit of happiness in my life. I fantasized about taking myself out tonigt if by chance he actually decided to come home. Yes, it was only a fantasy. He called around 6:30pm to report on where he was going. I called back shortly after to find out the specific reason for his going to that place. As usual, the response was vague and cryptic. I knew I would get a load of bull before I even made the call and posed the question. I've been told I'm wasting my life. I agree I've been told I'm no longer myself. That anyone can look at me and see that I am unhappy. Yes, I am lost and unhappy. I am worn out. Tired. I need an enormous amount of time alone to clear my mind of all the background noise so I can focus on me. I just don't see a way to that time. What I would really like is someone to take care of me.